Day 8: Recieving

My passion for this project seems to dwindle, and it is beginning to frustrate me. I have determined the main reason for this dwindling is I have grown ill. I am hoping that it passes soon so I can get back to a better passion. I feel like I have lost my mind. I keep coming up with great ideas, and then I forget what I was thinking of. 

Today I faced one of the complex parts of myself, how to respond to someone willing to help me. I love to reach out my arms to people and help them, but for some reason I struggle so much to receive the hands stretched out to me. I pray so hard at night that God will provide for me, but I assume that He will do so not involving others. How stupid am I to assume this? Of course He is going to involve others! That's how he works! How am I to ask God to use me, but not receive the people He sends me? It's not that I am not grateful for the help of others. In fact, it is the complete opposite. I am so grateful I don't know how to react. I don't know what to say when thank you is not even close to being enough. To many just receiving a thank you blesses them. But for me I can't seem to accept thank you as an appropriate response. I want the people helping me to know that they are AMAZING, that the help I receive from them is like gold to me. That sounds cheesy, but I mean it with all the honesty that I can muster. 

This time it was my grandparents. I especially struggle with asking for help. This definitely becomes worse of a struggle when the people I need to ask for help are people I admire and look up to. Last year I came to a point where I didn't really eat. This was not because I developed an eating disorder, but rather because when the time came to feed myself my pockets were empty. There was nothing I could eat, and I didn't want to ask for handouts. I felt ashamed. It got to the point where I kept meat and cheese in a cooler in my trunk, along with some bread. This continued until the cooler dumped over and onto my college textbooks. Not a happy day. Eventually my youth pastor and his wife discovered my habits. They confronted me and told me I could come to them anytime. However, though they assured me they had enough, I could not bring myself to eat their food. It was theirs. It belonged to them and their three young children. How am I to feed myself by taking the food of others? Anyways, my grandparents texted me and then asked if there was anything I needed. Well yeah. I need socks, rain boots or at least shoes without holes in them, quarters for laundry, a job, a way to get home at Thanksgiving, and some sort of miracle that allows me to be in Maryland on January 17th so I can see my relative from New Zealand for possibly the one and only chance I get to see him. I called my mom. I had no idea how to answer. I knew what she would say, "Just answer them honestly and tell them what you need." It's a simple task, for most. But for me it's gut wrenching and heart breaking. I don't want my grandparents to think that I only want them for money or material things. They had already blessed me enough by buying me things for my dorm. But I knew I had to do it. I had to say, "YES". So I answered, "I could use some socks, and shoes for the rain." My grandmother answered back, "Poppy will b in md tomorrow tip mon....... he will give ur mom some money for the socks and shoes." At first I laughed because my grandmother uses txt language more than I do. Then this overwhelming joy leapt inside me. I was going to get rain boots and socks!!! And maybe if I got them cheap enough with a few coupons I could put some of them in my account and no longer have less than ten dollars in my account. P.S. if you ever want to hack my bank account, good luck with getting far with that overwhelming six dollars. Now you can see why I desperately need a job. 

This experience has taught me a few things. 

1. Ask for help when needed, God wants to help you. 

2. Don't take for granted what you have.

After this experience I sat down and played some videos games. (Mario Kart on Nintendo 64) I began to think to myself of how blessed I was. These past few years have been financially rough on me. My sophomore year of high school my mom lost her job. She was our main source of income. Last year I was set off into college as a commuter and due to lots of debt and things my Dad was having trouble with I began to try and live off of my own money. I looked for jobs everywhere, but they all either never responded or said the same thing, "You don't have experience." You can't get a job without experience, you can't get experience without a job. It seems like there is no way out. I have the cost of college lurking over me almost everyday. Thousands upon thousands of dollars I have to figure out how to pay off. All of this added up and got me into a spell of self pity. But after my grandparents texted me I took a look around. I have two TV stands. That may mean nothing to you, but to me, it amazes me! My dad told me that the day I move out I can have everything in my room, and that I have paid for. Proudly I can say I paid for all of the furniture in my room. Though towards the end my dad helped me out, but he didn't need to do too much. This was all from my will to earn. When I discovered that I really needed money I prayed to God. Eventually I decided that if no one was going to hire me, I was going to hire myself. A friend of mine and I started our own lawn company. We finally found someone who paid us. We helped him build a fence, cleaned his chicken coop, buried a hose, and many other random things he needed done. I was scolded by many for taking this job. Minimum wage where I live is about $7.50. For this job we were taking $5.00 an hour each. We worked about eight hours a day, sometimes only six. So when I got home to my parents covered in paint and dirt with bubbling blisters on my hand, falling down with exhaustion, and all I had to show them was forty dollars they grew angry. People all around me grew angry. They told me to quit. But I responded saying he was the only man gracious enough to hire me. I am not going to quit. And with that job I was able to pay for a lot of things, all on my own. So now I have TWO TV stands, which just thinking about makes me ecstatic, four gaming systems that I have accumulated over many years, a great movie collection, a laptop, a TV, an ottoman, a guitar (and a few more at home), a bed, a desk, many lights, and a microwave that I got for seven dollars :). I am very proud of all of this. For most these things are at the bottom of their most prized possessions. They don't think twice about these things, but for me I jump for joy. This experience has taught me to never take what I have for granted. 

3. Most of all, to continue to lend a helping hand to those around me

It wasn't an eventful day, but I did get a lot out of it. Talk to you soon!

To anyone reading this blog and enjoying it, I want to encourage you to check out my other blog entitled "You're Killing Me Smalls".